I am okay, really really okay!

I know it has been awhile..but I am really doing okay! Aside from my toddler laying on the floor next to me kicking and screaming ;) This will be quick and hopefully more to come later today. Ev has a very stuffy nose right now and El has a low fever and junky cough. My computer time has been very limited as of late. First we had an ice storm that knocked out our cable/computer for 4 days, then I was in Nashville for a few days, basement painted where the computer is now housed-that was about a week plus-with no computer, and so on! So that is my laundry list of reasons for being the worlds crappiest blogger ever.

I (we-Amy) have a new blog called fromatobbaby that is a total work in progress. If you lurk or check this blog, would love for you to see what else has been keeping me busy.

More later...when toddler isn't being a cling on!

-BROOKE

Coming out of the dark...again!

~Making cookies w/ my favorite girl~

I am feeling better today. It is much like the upward swing of a pendulum-I am on the upswing, and hoping it doesn't swing back down. Grief is like that-up and down up and down. The sun is out, and I am taking a different approach to life-starting today! I have the song, "I can see clearly now", by Johnny Nash ringing through my ears.

January 29th, 2008-I think??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad I got to feel good and normal for a day, it didn't last! The following Saturday I felt so deeply depressed. I ate my way through the day, which just made me feel worse! Today I am feeling okay with a few "pity party" moments here and there. If anyone out in cyber land reads this blog, please don't mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am sooo blessed and so grateful, and that is exactly the reason why I am so sad that I have lost two babies. I know how wonderful having these two children has been, and I can't help but to want to add more to our family.

These losses have changed me, taken a piece of me away with each angel. I honestly don't feel whole anymore. I really FEEL the loss and feel a part of me is gone. I am trying so desperatly to just be "normal" and to feel "normal", but I am struggling. Some days I am going through the motions and others I feel really good and hopeful. I feel restless, like I need to make major changes in my life to be happy again. I am a bit of a lost soul right now, fighting my way back to finding "ME".

P.S-If you read this post-anyone...anyone...anyone???? Let me know you read my blog-I have some hits on my counter that just can't possibly be from me refreshing my own blog???heehee

Sorrow and Joy

My Gorgeous Boy-My Joy!

Isn't it amazing that through the darkest days there is always light streaming through the clouds. My children are that light. Though my faith in many things has wavered a bit lately, I know it is just the grief talking. My children are the most amazing miracles. I soak up their love and it just fills my heart until it over flows! I am living a life that I honestly never in a million years thought I would be so blessed to live. So I hold onto that right now, and keep reminding myself how very very far I have come!

I am at such a strange place in my life. I feel almost like I am in limbo. I "know" I should just feel contentment with my life and all that I have been blessed with, but I feel restless! Logically-I KNOW I should just move on, be content, and stop tempting fate. I KNOW I should focus on the journey and not the destination. I should be PRESENT and focus on what I have NOW-not what I think I want for the future. Yet, my heart is longing for another child and yearning to add to our beautiful family. I know how amazing being pregnant is, and I LOVE being a Mom more than anything else in this world, so it just seems natural for me to want to do it all again. LOGIC or HEART...my heart usually wins! I have an appt with a new gyno next week. I am praying he will be compassionate, unlike my current Doctor. I am praying he will help find answers as to why I now have two angels. Please pray for us!

Sink or Swim...I am just floating.

On Friday, January 11th I had another miscarriage. Almost exactly 2 months from my November 12th D&C day. I was only 4wks pregnant, and only had a few days of getting to experience my 4th pregnancy, and yet here I am back in this familiar place of grief.

I am in sink or swim mode right now. I can choose to sink, let it take me down under with it, while gasping for air. I can allow the grief to take hold of me and seep into every facet of my life. Defining me, becoming me, owning me, and controlling me. I can swim...hold my head up high, breath, all while moving forward. That is where I was before this happened again. I was moving through it at my own pace, moving on, and moving forward. I felt as if I had been through the thick of it. I saw the light at the surface of the water and broke through. I just don't know when or how I can get back to that place. So for now, I will just float. Not moving forward, and choosing not to sink, just coasting along as life takes me on this journey.

I really don't want to have a pity party for myself. I know there are worse things in life. Yet, in my life, this is the worst. In my world, this sucks! I want my babies back. Yes I know that theoretically that makes no sense. If I had the first baby back, I would be pregnant right now and there would be no second baby. I DON'T CARE-I want them both back!!!

God, do you hear me? Did you see me on my knee's praying to you? "The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away". Why my babies Lord? Why Why Why?????? Ella has been singing this little song. In fact the first time I heard her sing it, was the day of my D&C and I was putting her to bed that night. She sang, "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me". Keep singing sweet girl. Keep reminding me!

moments instead of days

I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again-phew! The bad days have turned into moments, and the good days keep rolling in. It feels so good to have some control over how I feel again.

I got my first period since September. This caused me soooo many mixed emotions. It was my body reminding my heart that the baby is really gone, and that caused my heart to ache again. It was my body reminding my heart that it is time to move on, and that gave me some peace. I have lost a few pounds of the "baby weight" that I gained, and that makes me feel so much better. The only time I wouldn't mind carrying around some baby weight, is if I had the baby here in my arms. We know that will never be, so it is time to shed the weight, and hopefully shed some more of this grief with it!

All in all, I am okay. I even picked up the phone and reached out to a few of my very very patient friends. My Dear Tracie(college and after college roomie-until she got married), has been frantic trying to get ahold of me. She has emailed me, called me daily and sometimes even multiple times a day, she has called other friends of mine, and even my husband. I love her for loving me so much. When I called her, I could hear her relief over the phone. She lost a baby about two years ago, and allowed me to help her through the pain. I feel bad that I have not allowed her to help me at all. I just needed to do this on my own. I have slowly worked through it, and really believe I am coming through it all now.

I have been keeping so busy. Even did some major changes to our house. We changed our 1st floor Den/Office into a playroom, and moved the Den into our basement. We had a huge room with just a ping pong table in it that we never used. It has worked out perfectly. The kids LOVE having a playroom upstairs, and we still have one for them in the basement too. Eventually the basement playroom will be a guestroom, we think. Moving and organizing everything has been a great project for me. I feel like we have a new house with a whole new space. Next thing is to get the playroom and our basement repainted. Then we are gonna have some built-in's put in on each side of our fireplace, heck... them we will most likely move-ha ha!!

I am loving this time of year. I do worry a bit once the rush of the Holidays are over, I may be a bit overwhelmed with grief again. I hope I am through the worst of it though. I so want to be able to just move on and be grateful for this wonderful life I am living. I want to feel content with the NOW. I don't want to feel restless with the future or the "Could have been's". A part of me still doesn't feel complete. I still have an ache to be pregnant. I still have a desire for more children. I am not sure if this is a "fill the void" thing though, or if it is how I have always felt? Greg and I had always planned on more children-that I do know. He still wants more, and I am just not sure if I could ever put myself in this place again. Most likely we will just be careful for now, and then after more healing has happened, we will talk about it. For now I will just work through the "moments" and pray for many many more good days to come.

I am having a SUAVE day.

I love the Suave commercialshttp://www.suave.com/ that show the Mom through all the stages of life-getting married, having a baby, having another baby, slowly falling apart, and last but not least-a total mess!!! Then she uses Suave and poof-her hair is blown out, she has a fabulous outfit, and she looks like she has it all together. I NEVER take the time to do anything with myself anymore. I use to be that girl that got up at 5am-showered, blew dry my hair, curled my hair, put on make-up, put on my Ann Taylor suit, and was off to work. Now I take a shower-maybe every other day, twist my soaking wet hair up in a clip, throw on jeans and a shirt, sometimes lip gloss, and I am ready to go.

Today I decided it was time to have a Suave Day. It maybe took me an extra 1/2 hour, but that is just soooo worth it to feel put together again. I blew dried my hair today and curled it. Put makeup on, and a Sassy shirt and new jeans that actually fit without hurting me! Poof-I feel like a new women. Like someone that was on one of those make over shows. So here is my list to help all Moms get out of your funk. It is time to have a Suave Day. Take back the control and put yourself first.

1. Take a shower. Preferably without kids in the bathroom with you!
2. Blow dry your hair. Style it like you are going out on the town.
3.Put on make-up
4 Wear black-makes everyone look slimmer and feel slimmer.
5. Put on some sparkly earrings or fun jewelry
6. Get OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Okay, So I know the reality is that we don't always have the time or the energy to do these things. It sure does make a Ma Ma feel good now and then though. Hope you are having a Suave day today!

December 11th, 2007-Shattered Dreams...

I keep writing this post in my head. If only there was some way my head could just do the writing for me. I have wanted to come here to get my feeling out, yet I know once the words hit the screen-it is all really real. I wish so much I was sharing the joy of my pregnancy instead of the heartache of my loss.

On November 12Th, 2007 our dreams were shattered. I had an ultrasound at 9wks 4days and it confirmed the baby had no heartbeat and was only measuring 6wks 2 days. I had a D&C later that evening. This baby came as a wonderful surprise to us. I thought that this baby was just "meant to be". Conceived out of pure love and so very wanted. Surely God must have wanted us to have another baby and was giving us the most precious gift. I must confess that for some reason I had much anxiety about this pregnancy. More than the typical pregnancy worries. I even told my Mom, "that I just felt like something wasn't quite right". Perhaps it was just because I wanted this baby so badly and was deeply in love from the moment I saw those two lines. Fears take over when you love and want so badly. At 6wks I had a bit of pink spotting-but it stopped the same day. I had blood work done that was in "normal range". At my 8wk ultrasound, I was told the baby had a very very week heart rate and was only measuring 6wks 2days. Doctor was hoping maybe my dates were off, since we weren't trying to get pregnant. My dates were not off and my precious baby went to live forever as an Angel.

There are no words that can describe the depth of this pain. It is a grief I could only imagine from listening to others that have been there. It grabs you and pulls you under and then let's you get little gasps of air for a day here and a day there. At the hospital they handed me a book titled, "Miscarriage-Shattered Dreams". I can't bring myself to open it. I know what it will say and frankly, no book can tell me how I feel or how to move through the grief. I always found it odd when people would share there pregnancy news at 12-14 wks pregnant. I can remember thinking-they went through the whole 1st trimester without telling anyone-crazy!!! I always thought if the unthinkable happened to me, I would want to be surrounded by my friends and family. I have found it quite the opposite. I have learned that I need to get through this grief alone. That talking about it makes me feel worse. It isn't that I am holding it all in and not coping, I just need to do this on my own, and at my own pace. Greg is has been the most amazing partner through this journey of loss. Honestly, would you expect anything less from him? He is just the most remarkable man!

I know I will be okay. I know I am blessed. I know everything happens for a reason. I know we can try again. I know it might just be a fluke. I know there might have been something wrong with the baby. I know it isn't my fault. I know there are worse things in life. I know my heart aches in a way that only a women that has lost a baby can understand. I know I am not alone. I know that I will never see that face, hold you in my arms, and kiss your precious face. I know you are with me and all around me. I know that I will forever be changed because I got to be your Mommy for 9wks and 4 days.

I have had 5 good days in a row now, days where I didn't feel like crawling in a hole. I know it is time to pick up the phone and reach out to all the friends I have pushed away-I will...please just give me a tiny bit more time! One day at a time...more good days then bad... My heart will heal.

When we told Ella our terrible news, she said, "Mommy, I know why God had to take the baby". Through my tears, I asked her why? She said, "Because God needed a perfect Angel in heaven, and you had the perfect one in your belly". My dear sweet Ella, you are such an old soul. You are the most beautiful, sensitive, and loving little girl. You helped heal my heart on the wost day of my life. Your wisdom is beyond your years my love. Thank You sweet girl!

I know I only have a few readers, but I can't thank each of you enough for all your love and concern. I am sorry for pushing you away. I have felt your love and it is carrying me through the days that I feel the clouds hanging over me! Thank You