Friday, December 21, 2007

moments instead of days

I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again-phew! The bad days have turned into moments, and the good days keep rolling in. It feels so good to have some control over how I feel again.

I got my first period since September. This caused me soooo many mixed emotions. It was my body reminding my heart that the baby is really gone, and that caused my heart to ache again. It was my body reminding my heart that it is time to move on, and that gave me some peace. I have lost a few pounds of the "baby weight" that I gained, and that makes me feel so much better. The only time I wouldn't mind carrying around some baby weight, is if I had the baby here in my arms. We know that will never be, so it is time to shed the weight, and hopefully shed some more of this grief with it!

All in all, I am okay. I even picked up the phone and reached out to a few of my very very patient friends. My Dear Tracie(college and after college roomie-until she got married), has been frantic trying to get ahold of me. She has emailed me, called me daily and sometimes even multiple times a day, she has called other friends of mine, and even my husband. I love her for loving me so much. When I called her, I could hear her relief over the phone. She lost a baby about two years ago, and allowed me to help her through the pain. I feel bad that I have not allowed her to help me at all. I just needed to do this on my own. I have slowly worked through it, and really believe I am coming through it all now.

I have been keeping so busy. Even did some major changes to our house. We changed our 1st floor Den/Office into a playroom, and moved the Den into our basement. We had a huge room with just a ping pong table in it that we never used. It has worked out perfectly. The kids LOVE having a playroom upstairs, and we still have one for them in the basement too. Eventually the basement playroom will be a guestroom, we think. Moving and organizing everything has been a great project for me. I feel like we have a new house with a whole new space. Next thing is to get the playroom and our basement repainted. Then we are gonna have some built-in's put in on each side of our fireplace, heck... them we will most likely move-ha ha!!

I am loving this time of year. I do worry a bit once the rush of the Holidays are over, I may be a bit overwhelmed with grief again. I hope I am through the worst of it though. I so want to be able to just move on and be grateful for this wonderful life I am living. I want to feel content with the NOW. I don't want to feel restless with the future or the "Could have been's". A part of me still doesn't feel complete. I still have an ache to be pregnant. I still have a desire for more children. I am not sure if this is a "fill the void" thing though, or if it is how I have always felt? Greg and I had always planned on more children-that I do know. He still wants more, and I am just not sure if I could ever put myself in this place again. Most likely we will just be careful for now, and then after more healing has happened, we will talk about it. For now I will just work through the "moments" and pray for many many more good days to come.

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