Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Coming out of the dark...again!

~Making cookies w/ my favorite girl~
I am feeling better today. It is much like the upward swing of a pendulum-I am on the upswing, and hoping it doesn't swing back down. Grief is like that-up and down up and down. The sun is out, and I am taking a different approach to life-starting today! I have the song, "I can see clearly now", by Johnny Nash ringing through my ears.

January 29th, 2008-I think??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad I got to feel good and normal for a day, it didn't last! The following Saturday I felt so deeply depressed. I ate my way through the day, which just made me feel worse! Today I am feeling okay with a few "pity party" moments here and there. If anyone out in cyber land reads this blog, please don't mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am sooo blessed and so grateful, and that is exactly the reason why I am so sad that I have lost two babies. I know how wonderful having these two children has been, and I can't help but to want to add more to our family.

These losses have changed me, taken a piece of me away with each angel. I honestly don't feel whole anymore. I really FEEL the loss and feel a part of me is gone. I am trying so desperatly to just be "normal" and to feel "normal", but I am struggling. Some days I am going through the motions and others I feel really good and hopeful. I feel restless, like I need to make major changes in my life to be happy again. I am a bit of a lost soul right now, fighting my way back to finding "ME".

P.S-If you read this post-anyone...anyone...anyone???? Let me know you read my blog-I have some hits on my counter that just can't possibly be from me refreshing my own blog???heehee


Stacie said...

Brookelynn~ Hang in there and keep looking towards the sun! You are a very strong and amazing person. Ella and Evan are very lucky to have you as their mom.

Polly Gamwich said...

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your losses - I have four of my own - and I so pray that they will help you find the answers ... but more importantly that they'll help you to get pregnant successfully.


FROM A TO B BABY said...

Polly-Thanks for lurking. I am so sorry for all your losses too. It can be such a difficult journey. New post coming soon!

Stacie-Your love and support through all this have meant more than you could ever know
Thank You so Much,