I keep writing this post in my head. If only there was some way my head could just do the writing for me. I have wanted to come here to get my feeling out, yet I know once the words hit the screen-it is all really real. I wish so much I was sharing the joy of my pregnancy instead of the heartache of my loss.
On November 12Th, 2007 our dreams were shattered. I had an ultrasound at 9wks 4days and it confirmed the baby had no heartbeat and was only measuring 6wks 2 days. I had a D&C later that evening. This baby came as a wonderful surprise to us. I thought that this baby was just "meant to be". Conceived out of pure love and so very wanted. Surely God must have wanted us to have another baby and was giving us the most precious gift. I must confess that for some reason I had much anxiety about this pregnancy. More than the typical pregnancy worries. I even told my Mom, "that I just felt like something wasn't quite right". Perhaps it was just because I wanted this baby so badly and was deeply in love from the moment I saw those two lines. Fears take over when you love and want so badly. At 6wks I had a bit of pink spotting-but it stopped the same day. I had blood work done that was in "normal range". At my 8wk ultrasound, I was told the baby had a very very week heart rate and was only measuring 6wks 2days. Doctor was hoping maybe my dates were off, since we weren't trying to get pregnant. My dates were not off and my precious baby went to live forever as an Angel.
There are no words that can describe the depth of this pain. It is a grief I could only imagine from listening to others that have been there. It grabs you and pulls you under and then let's you get little gasps of air for a day here and a day there. At the hospital they handed me a book titled, "Miscarriage-Shattered Dreams". I can't bring myself to open it. I know what it will say and frankly, no book can tell me how I feel or how to move through the grief. I always found it odd when people would share there pregnancy news at 12-14 wks pregnant. I can remember thinking-they went through the whole 1st trimester without telling anyone-crazy!!! I always thought if the unthinkable happened to me, I would want to be surrounded by my friends and family. I have found it quite the opposite. I have learned that I need to get through this grief alone. That talking about it makes me feel worse. It isn't that I am holding it all in and not coping, I just need to do this on my own, and at my own pace. Greg is has been the most amazing partner through this journey of loss. Honestly, would you expect anything less from him? He is just the most remarkable man!
I know I will be okay. I know I am blessed. I know everything happens for a reason. I know we can try again. I know it might just be a fluke. I know there might have been something wrong with the baby. I know it isn't my fault. I know there are worse things in life. I know my heart aches in a way that only a women that has lost a baby can understand. I know I am not alone. I know that I will never see that face, hold you in my arms, and kiss your precious face. I know you are with me and all around me. I know that I will forever be changed because I got to be your Mommy for 9wks and 4 days.
I have had 5 good days in a row now, days where I didn't feel like crawling in a hole. I know it is time to pick up the phone and reach out to all the friends I have pushed away-I will...please just give me a tiny bit more time! One day at a time...more good days then bad... My heart will heal.
When we told Ella our terrible news, she said, "Mommy, I know why God had to take the baby". Through my tears, I asked her why? She said, "Because God needed a perfect Angel in heaven, and you had the perfect one in your belly". My dear sweet Ella, you are such an old soul. You are the most beautiful, sensitive, and loving little girl. You helped heal my heart on the wost day of my life. Your wisdom is beyond your years my love. Thank You sweet girl!
I know I only have a few readers, but I can't thank each of you enough for all your love and concern. I am sorry for pushing you away. I have felt your love and it is carrying me through the days that I feel the clouds hanging over me! Thank You