Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Coming out of the dark...again!

~Making cookies w/ my favorite girl~
I am feeling better today. It is much like the upward swing of a pendulum-I am on the upswing, and hoping it doesn't swing back down. Grief is like that-up and down up and down. The sun is out, and I am taking a different approach to life-starting today! I have the song, "I can see clearly now", by Johnny Nash ringing through my ears.

January 29th, 2008-I think??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad I got to feel good and normal for a day, it didn't last! The following Saturday I felt so deeply depressed. I ate my way through the day, which just made me feel worse! Today I am feeling okay with a few "pity party" moments here and there. If anyone out in cyber land reads this blog, please don't mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am sooo blessed and so grateful, and that is exactly the reason why I am so sad that I have lost two babies. I know how wonderful having these two children has been, and I can't help but to want to add more to our family.

These losses have changed me, taken a piece of me away with each angel. I honestly don't feel whole anymore. I really FEEL the loss and feel a part of me is gone. I am trying so desperatly to just be "normal" and to feel "normal", but I am struggling. Some days I am going through the motions and others I feel really good and hopeful. I feel restless, like I need to make major changes in my life to be happy again. I am a bit of a lost soul right now, fighting my way back to finding "ME".

P.S-If you read this post-anyone...anyone...anyone???? Let me know you read my blog-I have some hits on my counter that just can't possibly be from me refreshing my own blog???heehee

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Sorrow and Joy

My Gorgeous Boy-My Joy!

Isn't it amazing that through the darkest days there is always light streaming through the clouds. My children are that light. Though my faith in many things has wavered a bit lately, I know it is just the grief talking. My children are the most amazing miracles. I soak up their love and it just fills my heart until it over flows! I am living a life that I honestly never in a million years thought I would be so blessed to live. So I hold onto that right now, and keep reminding myself how very very far I have come!

I am at such a strange place in my life. I feel almost like I am in limbo. I "know" I should just feel contentment with my life and all that I have been blessed with, but I feel restless! Logically-I KNOW I should just move on, be content, and stop tempting fate. I KNOW I should focus on the journey and not the destination. I should be PRESENT and focus on what I have NOW-not what I think I want for the future. Yet, my heart is longing for another child and yearning to add to our beautiful family. I know how amazing being pregnant is, and I LOVE being a Mom more than anything else in this world, so it just seems natural for me to want to do it all again. LOGIC or heart usually wins! I have an appt with a new gyno next week. I am praying he will be compassionate, unlike my current Doctor. I am praying he will help find answers as to why I now have two angels. Please pray for us!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Sink or Swim...I am just floating.

On Friday, January 11th I had another miscarriage. Almost exactly 2 months from my November 12th D&C day. I was only 4wks pregnant, and only had a few days of getting to experience my 4th pregnancy, and yet here I am back in this familiar place of grief.

I am in sink or swim mode right now. I can choose to sink, let it take me down under with it, while gasping for air. I can allow the grief to take hold of me and seep into every facet of my life. Defining me, becoming me, owning me, and controlling me. I can swim...hold my head up high, breath, all while moving forward. That is where I was before this happened again. I was moving through it at my own pace, moving on, and moving forward. I felt as if I had been through the thick of it. I saw the light at the surface of the water and broke through. I just don't know when or how I can get back to that place. So for now, I will just float. Not moving forward, and choosing not to sink, just coasting along as life takes me on this journey.

I really don't want to have a pity party for myself. I know there are worse things in life. Yet, in my life, this is the worst. In my world, this sucks! I want my babies back. Yes I know that theoretically that makes no sense. If I had the first baby back, I would be pregnant right now and there would be no second baby. I DON'T CARE-I want them both back!!!

God, do you hear me? Did you see me on my knee's praying to you? "The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away". Why my babies Lord? Why Why Why?????? Ella has been singing this little song. In fact the first time I heard her sing it, was the day of my D&C and I was putting her to bed that night. She sang, "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me". Keep singing sweet girl. Keep reminding me!