Thursday, March 20, 2008


I keep getting asked, "How are you feeling"? with a sympathetic look. That is such a loaded question. Most days good and then others not so good. It really is that simple! As we get closer to Ev's b-day, I know where I "should be" and that is painful. A friend of mines sister, is pregnant and is just a few weeks ahead of where I "SHOULD BE". Her 1st daughter and Ella are a few weeks apart, her second daughter and Evan are a few days apart, and so on... I keep running into her everywhere I go, and I start to feel the breath sucked out of me the minute I see her. I want to run screaming and crying the other direction, but instead I have to smile and chit chat all the while dying inside. When my friend had a birthday party for her daughter that is Ella's age, I seriously just wanted to hide in her bathroom and cry. In fact, after talking to my friends sister a bit, I had to do just that-go in the bathroom and take a couple deep breaths to hold myself together. It is just such an in your face reminder of what I am missing out on, and it is so painful.

I wrote the following on 2/17/08 on an envelope that night and thought I should write it here, in case it may help someone out there that is feeling the same way I am .
****I allowed myself to feel a bit sad again tonight. I haven't done that in so long. It is a different kind of sadness now. More reflective, like when you think back on a bad time in your life. The pain will resurface, but just for a moment. It is no longer gut wrenching. The emptiness is still there though. The deep longing to feel a baby that will never kick me. The longing and the emptiness remain as raw as the day my babies became angels. I move through my days with the nagging feeling something is missing. Life can be so beautifully perfect and so terribly cruel.******

Ella has been going on and on lately about how she can't wait for Mommy to get another baby in her belly. Converstation in the car (minivan) ;)

Mommy, I can't wait for you to get another baby in your belly, I just know it is gonna be in there super soon.
That would be so nice honey. Why do you think it will be soon?
I just know it Mommy because I do. God took our other baby to be a perfect angel, and now God is going to give you a healthy baby that can stay and live with us, this is just what I know Mommy.

We have had many many converstations like this lately out of no where. She has been asking some serious zingers lately too. Here are a few of her ever so tricky questions:

Mommy, do birds cough?
Mommy, when is God's birthday?
Mommy, when you die do you lay down? How do you get up to heaven? Do you climb up stairs to heaven?
Mommy does everyone get a halo and wings when they die?
Mommy, does everyone have a Mommy and Daddy?

Notice a theme of some of these questions. As you can tell we have had to deal with some death questions. Mainly because of the miscarriage and also my parents cat just died. It has been tough, I honestly didn't think some of these questions would arise at such a tender age. I have done my best to keep it simple and light with the answers.
Off to go be with my very inquisitive girl, before my snuggle bug of a boy wakes from his nap.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Pic playing and randon stuff.

This will be short. Evan is under the desk playing with his "ah choo choo"-hee hee. Yesterday was a wonderfully UP day for me. I felt happy and at peace with this whole crazy journey life has had me on as of late. Yet, I had terrible insomnia last night, and could not shut my busy mind down! Feeling sleepy today

Been playing a bit with photoshop and just can't seem to get it to do what I want. I am sure I will figure it out eventually though. Here are some pics I have been playing with:

Pic playing and randon stuff.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Mommy can't find us in this fort!!!


The other day I found myself getting sooo irritated with Ella. My frusteration boiled over and I found myself yelling at her. I can't even really remember why, but what I do remember was a little voice in my heart talking to me. It made me STOP dead in my tracks. I lowered my voice, and lowered my body and whispered, " I am sorry" to my precious girl. In that moment...I heard that voice saying to me, "STOP-BE SOFT-BE GENTLE-BE KIND-BREATHE". My heart was speaking to me, and I actually was able to totally turn off my frustration and turn on a very loving moment.

Be patient
Be soft
Be kind
Be loving
Be present

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


On Sunday- I officially became a mini van driving Ma Ma. After the rocky few months I have had, I got to thinking about what is really important in my life. A SUV is an SUV-it is just that-a thing, and frankly not a very important thing in my life. I have driven luxury Suvs for the past 6yrs, and could have really cared less about what I was driving. The Range Rover was always my dream SUV, and after driving it for about 2wks the novelty totally wore off, but the mortgage size payment didn't. It all just seems like a TOTAL waste of money to me. I used to think-if you have the money, than it isn't a waste. How irrational is that? How about put that extra money into the kids college saving funds-ahhh, now that is rational thinking. As you can imagine-my darling husband is beside himself with joy over my new way of thinking ;)!! I am LOVING my new ride! It is just so amazingly made for a Mommy-and has lot's of bells and whistles that even my fancy SUV didn't have-woo hoo!

On Monday- It was a gorgeous warm day out. We really didn't get to enjoy it much with the kids not feeling very well. The birds were chirpping and the flowers were starting to poke out. Spring is my very favorite time of year. Watching the miracle of the Earth rebirth is just amazing to me. If you have a green thumb and live somewhere where if is freezing all winter-than you can understand my LOVE for Spring. I can hardly wait to get my garden gloves on and get my hands in the dirt!

On Tuesday-

On Wednesday-We are having an ice storm. The tree's look like glass. Beautiful!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I am okay, really really okay!

I know it has been awhile..but I am really doing okay! Aside from my toddler laying on the floor next to me kicking and screaming ;) This will be quick and hopefully more to come later today. Ev has a very stuffy nose right now and El has a low fever and junky cough. My computer time has been very limited as of late. First we had an ice storm that knocked out our cable/computer for 4 days, then I was in Nashville for a few days, basement painted where the computer is now housed-that was about a week plus-with no computer, and so on! So that is my laundry list of reasons for being the worlds crappiest blogger ever.

I (we-Amy) have a new blog called fromatobbaby that is a total work in progress. If you lurk or check this blog, would love for you to see what else has been keeping me busy.

More later...when toddler isn't being a cling on!