moments instead of days

I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again-phew! The bad days have turned into moments, and the good days keep rolling in. It feels so good to have some control over how I feel again.

I got my first period since September. This caused me soooo many mixed emotions. It was my body reminding my heart that the baby is really gone, and that caused my heart to ache again. It was my body reminding my heart that it is time to move on, and that gave me some peace. I have lost a few pounds of the "baby weight" that I gained, and that makes me feel so much better. The only time I wouldn't mind carrying around some baby weight, is if I had the baby here in my arms. We know that will never be, so it is time to shed the weight, and hopefully shed some more of this grief with it!

All in all, I am okay. I even picked up the phone and reached out to a few of my very very patient friends. My Dear Tracie(college and after college roomie-until she got married), has been frantic trying to get ahold of me. She has emailed me, called me daily and sometimes even multiple times a day, she has called other friends of mine, and even my husband. I love her for loving me so much. When I called her, I could hear her relief over the phone. She lost a baby about two years ago, and allowed me to help her through the pain. I feel bad that I have not allowed her to help me at all. I just needed to do this on my own. I have slowly worked through it, and really believe I am coming through it all now.

I have been keeping so busy. Even did some major changes to our house. We changed our 1st floor Den/Office into a playroom, and moved the Den into our basement. We had a huge room with just a ping pong table in it that we never used. It has worked out perfectly. The kids LOVE having a playroom upstairs, and we still have one for them in the basement too. Eventually the basement playroom will be a guestroom, we think. Moving and organizing everything has been a great project for me. I feel like we have a new house with a whole new space. Next thing is to get the playroom and our basement repainted. Then we are gonna have some built-in's put in on each side of our fireplace, heck... them we will most likely move-ha ha!!

I am loving this time of year. I do worry a bit once the rush of the Holidays are over, I may be a bit overwhelmed with grief again. I hope I am through the worst of it though. I so want to be able to just move on and be grateful for this wonderful life I am living. I want to feel content with the NOW. I don't want to feel restless with the future or the "Could have been's". A part of me still doesn't feel complete. I still have an ache to be pregnant. I still have a desire for more children. I am not sure if this is a "fill the void" thing though, or if it is how I have always felt? Greg and I had always planned on more children-that I do know. He still wants more, and I am just not sure if I could ever put myself in this place again. Most likely we will just be careful for now, and then after more healing has happened, we will talk about it. For now I will just work through the "moments" and pray for many many more good days to come.

I am having a SUAVE day.

I love the Suave commercialshttp://www.suave.com/ that show the Mom through all the stages of life-getting married, having a baby, having another baby, slowly falling apart, and last but not least-a total mess!!! Then she uses Suave and poof-her hair is blown out, she has a fabulous outfit, and she looks like she has it all together. I NEVER take the time to do anything with myself anymore. I use to be that girl that got up at 5am-showered, blew dry my hair, curled my hair, put on make-up, put on my Ann Taylor suit, and was off to work. Now I take a shower-maybe every other day, twist my soaking wet hair up in a clip, throw on jeans and a shirt, sometimes lip gloss, and I am ready to go.

Today I decided it was time to have a Suave Day. It maybe took me an extra 1/2 hour, but that is just soooo worth it to feel put together again. I blew dried my hair today and curled it. Put makeup on, and a Sassy shirt and new jeans that actually fit without hurting me! Poof-I feel like a new women. Like someone that was on one of those make over shows. So here is my list to help all Moms get out of your funk. It is time to have a Suave Day. Take back the control and put yourself first.

1. Take a shower. Preferably without kids in the bathroom with you!
2. Blow dry your hair. Style it like you are going out on the town.
3.Put on make-up
4 Wear black-makes everyone look slimmer and feel slimmer.
5. Put on some sparkly earrings or fun jewelry
6. Get OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Okay, So I know the reality is that we don't always have the time or the energy to do these things. It sure does make a Ma Ma feel good now and then though. Hope you are having a Suave day today!

December 11th, 2007-Shattered Dreams...

I keep writing this post in my head. If only there was some way my head could just do the writing for me. I have wanted to come here to get my feeling out, yet I know once the words hit the screen-it is all really real. I wish so much I was sharing the joy of my pregnancy instead of the heartache of my loss.

On November 12Th, 2007 our dreams were shattered. I had an ultrasound at 9wks 4days and it confirmed the baby had no heartbeat and was only measuring 6wks 2 days. I had a D&C later that evening. This baby came as a wonderful surprise to us. I thought that this baby was just "meant to be". Conceived out of pure love and so very wanted. Surely God must have wanted us to have another baby and was giving us the most precious gift. I must confess that for some reason I had much anxiety about this pregnancy. More than the typical pregnancy worries. I even told my Mom, "that I just felt like something wasn't quite right". Perhaps it was just because I wanted this baby so badly and was deeply in love from the moment I saw those two lines. Fears take over when you love and want so badly. At 6wks I had a bit of pink spotting-but it stopped the same day. I had blood work done that was in "normal range". At my 8wk ultrasound, I was told the baby had a very very week heart rate and was only measuring 6wks 2days. Doctor was hoping maybe my dates were off, since we weren't trying to get pregnant. My dates were not off and my precious baby went to live forever as an Angel.

There are no words that can describe the depth of this pain. It is a grief I could only imagine from listening to others that have been there. It grabs you and pulls you under and then let's you get little gasps of air for a day here and a day there. At the hospital they handed me a book titled, "Miscarriage-Shattered Dreams". I can't bring myself to open it. I know what it will say and frankly, no book can tell me how I feel or how to move through the grief. I always found it odd when people would share there pregnancy news at 12-14 wks pregnant. I can remember thinking-they went through the whole 1st trimester without telling anyone-crazy!!! I always thought if the unthinkable happened to me, I would want to be surrounded by my friends and family. I have found it quite the opposite. I have learned that I need to get through this grief alone. That talking about it makes me feel worse. It isn't that I am holding it all in and not coping, I just need to do this on my own, and at my own pace. Greg is has been the most amazing partner through this journey of loss. Honestly, would you expect anything less from him? He is just the most remarkable man!

I know I will be okay. I know I am blessed. I know everything happens for a reason. I know we can try again. I know it might just be a fluke. I know there might have been something wrong with the baby. I know it isn't my fault. I know there are worse things in life. I know my heart aches in a way that only a women that has lost a baby can understand. I know I am not alone. I know that I will never see that face, hold you in my arms, and kiss your precious face. I know you are with me and all around me. I know that I will forever be changed because I got to be your Mommy for 9wks and 4 days.

I have had 5 good days in a row now, days where I didn't feel like crawling in a hole. I know it is time to pick up the phone and reach out to all the friends I have pushed away-I will...please just give me a tiny bit more time! One day at a time...more good days then bad... My heart will heal.

When we told Ella our terrible news, she said, "Mommy, I know why God had to take the baby". Through my tears, I asked her why? She said, "Because God needed a perfect Angel in heaven, and you had the perfect one in your belly". My dear sweet Ella, you are such an old soul. You are the most beautiful, sensitive, and loving little girl. You helped heal my heart on the wost day of my life. Your wisdom is beyond your years my love. Thank You sweet girl!

I know I only have a few readers, but I can't thank each of you enough for all your love and concern. I am sorry for pushing you away. I have felt your love and it is carrying me through the days that I feel the clouds hanging over me! Thank You

Just a quicky!

Wish I had more time for a proper post. We are off to "Family Night" at our Country Club-geez doesn't that sound so hoity toity and shee shee. Greg is meeting us there, it is so nice to get to eat dinner together and to not have to cook.

All my results from the colonoscopy came back totally normal, including the biopsies=phew!!! Diagnosed with IBS, which is totally manageable with meds during a flare up.

Those that actually read this site know that we just received the biggest shock of a blessing ever!!! More on that in my next post.
Off for din din-Chow!!

SCARED AND OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS

I realized why I am a bad blogger. For years and years I have been keeping some type of diary or journal. I actually started my very first diary in 2ND grade, and I still have it! My very first cursive words are written in it-too funny. The reason I started that diary so young is because my Dad was diagnosed and hospitalized with cancer that year. For me, writing was always my outlet during the tough times in my life, and boy there were many many tough times. I have a stack of diary's, journals and poetry. The first time in my life that I stopped writing was after maybe my 2Nd date with Greg. I never thought much about why I stopped writing, I just didn't feel the desire anymore. Now I know exactly why I stopped writing. I was happy, content, feeling peace, loved, and fulfilled for the very first time in my life. What a gift that man has given me. He allowed me to be ME and he fell in love with the real ME. I knew on our very first date I would spend the rest of my life with him. So over the years with Greg I maybe journaled a hand full of times. I wrote after our first few dates, when we got engaged, when we got married, and then when we got pregnant with both kids, and that was it! Why is it easier to pour my sole onto paper when I am having a tough time, I guess it is just my release.

So here I am making the time to blog, so something must be up, right? This is the scoop: I have been having some stomach issues since Evan was born. When he was 3 months old Greg took me to to the ER because I was in excruciating pain-worse than natural child birth-trust me!!! I was totally embarrassed when the Doctor told me after a battery of tests run, that my diagnosis was severe constipation. He sent me on my way with some stool softeners and that was that. Like most typical Mom's, I am notorious for putting myself last. I just don't take great care of myself because I am too busy taking care of my family. So being either constipated or having diarrhea was kinda my norm and I didn't really think much of it. When my tummy acted up-pop a few tums and was on my way. A few weeks ago I just wasn't feeling quite right. Stomach cramps, and low grade fevers here and there. A part of me actually wondered if I was pregnant because I just felt so off. NO, NOT PREGNANT!!! A week and a few days ago I started again having bad cramps, bloating and terrible constipation. I also had PMS and kinda chalked it all up as tying in with that. If you have a week stomach-do not read on!!! Then I had a very bloody-mucousy bowel movement. No poop-just blood and mucous. This was my big tap on the shoulder that something was just not right with me. The blood and mucous continued all day. I called Greg at work and he practically begged me to call a Doctor and make an apt. I made an apt for a physical all the while knowing the back of my head I really most likely need to see a gastronologist-sp?? Doc. The fever continued all weekend and I just felt terrible. On Monday I cancelled my Physical and made an apt with the Cleveland Clinic to see a Gastro Doc. Doc feels It may be Colitis or Crohn's Disease. He said he can't rule out anything, including colon cancer until he does a colonoscopy. Colonoscopy is scheduled for September 26th at 3:30. The bloody bowel movments have continued. I have had to give 8 different stool samples and have gotten a pretty good look at the poop-how gross is that!!! Blood and mucous in it each and everytime. I am only going every 2-3 days and feel bloated, crampy, tired and sick almost all the time now.

I am not scared for me, but scared of the "would if's". It is hard not to let your brain go there...would if I have cancer, would if I die, oh my babies my precious babies!! I seriously have to physically shake my head to rid myself of a million aweful thoughts daily. I am not sleeping well-nightmares when I do sleep and trouble turning my brain off when I am awake. My husband has been my ROCK. He just perfectly knows when to hug and hold me, when to talk about it, and when to just let be alone with my thoughts. He can tell I don't feel well and has stepped up around the house in sooo many ways without being asked. I feel sooo loved and treasured by him each and everyday of my life...I know I am blessed. So for now I just do my best to take care of the kiddo's feeling like crap, and anticipate good news of something easily treatable after my procedure is done.

I am a bad blogger

Oh boy, it has been awhile since my last confession. I guess because things have been pretty smooth going, hate to rock the boat with a jinx. I keep writing these posts in my head, but never seem to have the time to write them-ughh. It is dinner time now and have to go make something for the kids. Here are a few pics for the weekend. We had some great family time-love that!!!

Train "wreck, DUI, and lot's of pictures

A cone flower at the end of it's season. Will soon become a treat for the finches-my favorite birds to watch.

If you don't already have a butterfly bush in your yard-plant one!!!

Princess Ella-she couldn't possibly be a bully??-read on!

This little "Bambi" was on the edge of our yard under close watch from Mommy. Fuzzy cuz I took the pic through the slider not wanting to scare it.

Not often you see a blimp fly over your house. Assuming this was for the Firestone Golf Tournament in Akron-Way to go Tiger Woods!!!

The "tomato jungle" as Ella likes to call it. We must be picking 5-10 different tomatoes a day-Cherry, Roma and Beef steak-yummy!!!

This post was really supposed to be all about me tooting my own horn. My acceptance speech so to speak. Knowing full well the two people reading this would want to award me with something for figuring out why Ella has been sooooo unhappy lately and making her happy again. After all, isn't going above and beyond to meet our children's needs award worthy?-ha ha!! Anyways, I had mentioned in a previous post that I have been having a very tough time with Ella. I have been making sure she is included in everything lately, especially if it involves whatever I am doing with Evan. On Saturday's we have been leaving in the morning when Evan takes his nap and doing lot's of fun Mommy-Ella things. Shopping, fancy haircut, lunch, feeding ducks-etc. She is like a little ball of sunshine during this time and that is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. She really just needs some one on one, undivided, Evan free attention. When Evan turned one, about two weeks later he started walking. Everyone was ooohing and ahhhhing over all of Evan's accomplishments and hanging on his every babble and word. I really think he just stole some of Ella's thunder. So I have been working hard on this with her and noticed a HUGE difference in her.

So this brings me to this past Friday. Ella woke up happy, and she is NOT a morning person. We had a nice morning and went outside and played together while Evan napped. When he woke up, Ella begged me to go to the playroom at the gym. I actually hadn't planned on working out that day, but was so pleased that she wanted to go there and had made such a quick adjustment to this as part of our new routine, I said, "yes". As we headed to the gym we got stopped for a crossing train. This was sooooo exciting for both kids. Ella must have asked me a million questions about the train. "Are there people inside"? Is the person driving the train and man or a women"? "What makes the train go"? and so on and so on. Evan was pointing and doing his excited ooooh's over the train. I was glad we got to sneak in a little learning experience in route. I dropped the kids off at the playroom and it was the first time where Evan did not shed a tear-I was relieved. I worked out for about 30 minutes and then went to get the kids. I took one look at Evan and he looked like he got beat up. I seriously gasped when I saw him. I then look over at Ella who is looking back at me sheepishly. I said to the daycare guy, "How did they do"? He said, " Fine, but Ella wasn't being very nice to Evan today and pushed him on the slide". So in my mind I conjured up a scenario that Evan must have been on the slide and Ella gave a push to get him down it and he must have fallen and got hurt. There is NO WAY my child would hurt her brother on purpose-right?!? I had to ask Ella to come over to me 3 times before she finally did, she knew she as in trouble. She looked at me and said, "Sorry I hit Evan in the eye and on the head Mommy, but he bonked me first on the head with a ball". WHAT did she just say???? Is this my daughter saying this right now??? I asked the guy that worked there if she hit her brother, and he replied in a very vague manor, "Not that I saw, I just saw her push him on the slide and then he fell". We walked out and I asked her again what happened and she gave me the same response with tears this time. She also said she pushed him on the slide. Evan had a swollen eye with a little scratch on it and a little scratch and the making of a small bruise on his forehead. He falls constantly and is a climber so cuts, and bruises are the norm for him, but this looked worse. I told her she would have to go to her room when we got home and talked to her a bit about her behavior and my disappointment. She sobbed like I have never ever heard her sob before. She must have said, "I am sorry" to me and to Evan 5 million times on the way home. She sobbed the whole way home and then in her room for about 20 minutes-the longest she has ever been in a timeout. We talked and talked about it over and over for the remainder of the day and then some more when Daddy got home. I really felt like she "got it". Saturday-had a great day at the pool and dinner pool side with Greg and the kids. Loads of family time fun!!! We were all being silly and playing in the family room and Ella gives Evan a swift push right in front of Greg and I, and Evan bonks his head on the floor. I felt sheer anger rip through me, but I calmly picked her up and carried her to her room. She hysterically cried in a timeout once again. She sat in there for about 15 minutes because it was bedtime, and then I sat on the bed with her and had basically the same talk I had with her the day prior. Greg and I talked quite a bit about this behavior. All I can say is that it makes me sooo sad. You can't help but put it back on yourself as a parental failure. Somewhere I am going wrong??? I always thought aggression was a learned behavior. We have never ever spanked in our home, and Greg and I have a very loving marriage-so that theory has to go out the window a bit. Greg feels I am over analyzing it all and that she is just a 3 year old getting frustrated by her baby brother and quickly reacting with aggression instead of using her words. I hope he is right...back to the drawing board of trying to figure out how to keep the peace and keep them both happy. That concludes my "train wreck" of a story.

As I was on my way to pick Ella up at camp I saw a man getting a DUI or DWI-not sure the real difference. Anyways, it appeared they had just finished the field sobriety test that he failed as they cuffed him. I was at a red light watching this, in case you wondered. I began to shake my head in that Mom tssk tssk sort of way, and then I reminded myself of the numerous friends and people I know that have had DUI's. All back in the day, but that doesn't really matter. It is so different now looking at it through a Mom's eye's though. I can't say that I am much better than that man, I can think of many times where I was drunk and got in the car with a drunk friend and was not sober or coherent enough to find harm in that. Does that make me an enabler of sorts? As a Mom, I couldn't help but let my mind think about the "would ifs". Would if that man would have crashed into me with Evan in tow had the police not stopped him, etc. How sad that it takes being a Mom to realize I was just as much at fault as my friends who actually drove drunk, because I was an irresponsible drunk passenger. Luckily no one was hurt and he was cuffed and stuffed by the time I had picked up Ella and was on my way home with both kids safe and sound.

Have a wonderful Day-

Brooke

Summer flowers and bugs:

Ella having fun

chasing butterflies

I love to take pictures. I have lot's to learn about photography and swear someday I will take a class. For now it is just fun to take millions of pics and delete the one's that suck! My kids and nature are my favorite things in the whole world to photograph. If pics of other people's kids and flowers and bugs bore you to death then time to move onto another blog.

A day in the life.

Looks like I am on borrowed time for this first official blog post. The kids are both starting to stir from a 2hr nap. My intent on starting this blog is for some type of legacy to my children. Hmmm...legacy sounds like I plan on doing something really "important" doesn't it? Maybe just a "day in the life" kind of journal would be a better way to word it. I am now just getting back to this post that I started yesterday. That is a pure example of how my days go and just how much free time I have. I do my best to take advantage of the kids napping at the same time-laundry, cleaning, cooking and a bit of ME time if I can squeeze it in.

About a month ago I was having a real struggle with balance in my life-again! It is the same old "Mom" story that everyone tells. Put your kids first, put your husband first, take care of the house-etc. Everyone and everything getting taken care of but yourself. Greg and I have had some nice talks about how to get some of "our" life back while still being great parents. We determined that we really just need a date night or a few hours away from the kids all to ourselves. I have been the type of parent who has hardly left their children's side since they were born. The only babysitter Ella and Evan had previously had was my Mom and SIL. So we hired a sitter and went to dinner, a wedding, and a few other outings here and there. It has been wonderful for us, and quite an adjustment for the kids. All the outings have typically been dinner or evening things, so the kids really only have a few hours with a sitter and then they are in bed. It has not gone without some tears from both kids though. I have to keep reminding myself that they will adjust and it is actually good for them to get to see their parents having a healthy marriage. The next thing I did in this quest to get a bit of "my life back", was to join a gym. One of those things I always talk about, complain about, and do nothing about. I have been holding onto about 10lbs of the 50lbs of baby weight I gained with Evan. He is 14 months old now and I can no longer use him as my excuse. I have been watching what I eat, but it just didn't seem to be enough. The gym has a great playroom and this too has become an adjustment for the kids. Ella had one little meltdown when we went and has been fine since and Evan always sheds tears when I walk out of the room. The daycare provider assures me he typically calms down after about 5 minutes. I usually work out for about a 1/2 hour so we are in and out. I like working out as much as I like a root canal or going to the gyno, but it really hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. Mainly due to the flat screen T.V's on each machine :) and it is another slice of ME time that I have really needed!

The other BIG issue we have had has been how Ella has been acting lately or I should say acting up! She has been moody-lot's of crying, crabby, whinny, and not a very sweet big sister. Saying, "No" to her all day certainly doesn't and hasn't helped with all of the above. I have just felt like such a crappy Mother when it comes to her and totally spent by the time Greg walks in the door. I have had to constantly keep my eye on Ella or she is taking something from Evan, pushing him or just plain mean to him. He is all about throwing a tantrum at every little thing on top of Ella being a bit of a bully to him. So I have felt like a referee! After lot's of sole searching and just beating myself up over how unhappy my 3yr old Princess has been-I finally have figured some things out and have been working to fix the recent dynamic of our house-with regards to Ella. It has been working and we have had a very happy 4 days. More on that in my next post...Evan just woke up from his nap.