Mommy can't find us in this fort!!!

Be...

The other day I found myself getting sooo irritated with Ella. My frusteration boiled over and I found myself yelling at her. I can't even really remember why, but what I do remember was a little voice in my heart talking to me. It made me STOP dead in my tracks. I lowered my voice, and lowered my body and whispered, " I am sorry" to my precious girl. In that moment...I heard that voice saying to me, "STOP-BE SOFT-BE GENTLE-BE KIND-BREATHE". My heart was speaking to me, and I actually was able to totally turn off my frustration and turn on a very loving moment.

Be patient
Be soft
Be kind
Breathe
Be loving
Be present

HAPPY DAYS...

On Sunday- I officially became a mini van driving Ma Ma. After the rocky few months I have had, I got to thinking about what is really important in my life. A SUV is an SUV-it is just that-a thing, and frankly not a very important thing in my life. I have driven luxury Suvs for the past 6yrs, and could have really cared less about what I was driving. The Range Rover was always my dream SUV, and after driving it for about 2wks the novelty totally wore off, but the mortgage size payment didn't. It all just seems like a TOTAL waste of money to me. I used to think-if you have the money, than it isn't a waste. How irrational is that? How about put that extra money into the kids college saving funds-ahhh, now that is rational thinking. As you can imagine-my darling husband is beside himself with joy over my new way of thinking ;)!! I am LOVING my new ride! It is just so amazingly made for a Mommy-and has lot's of bells and whistles that even my fancy SUV didn't have-woo hoo!


On Monday- It was a gorgeous warm day out. We really didn't get to enjoy it much with the kids not feeling very well. The birds were chirpping and the flowers were starting to poke out. Spring is my very favorite time of year. Watching the miracle of the Earth rebirth is just amazing to me. If you have a green thumb and live somewhere where if is freezing all winter-than you can understand my LOVE for Spring. I can hardly wait to get my garden gloves on and get my hands in the dirt!


On Tuesday-

On Wednesday-We are having an ice storm. The tree's look like glass. Beautiful!

I am okay, really really okay!

I know it has been awhile..but I am really doing okay! Aside from my toddler laying on the floor next to me kicking and screaming ;) This will be quick and hopefully more to come later today. Ev has a very stuffy nose right now and El has a low fever and junky cough. My computer time has been very limited as of late. First we had an ice storm that knocked out our cable/computer for 4 days, then I was in Nashville for a few days, basement painted where the computer is now housed-that was about a week plus-with no computer, and so on! So that is my laundry list of reasons for being the worlds crappiest blogger ever.

I (we-Amy) have a new blog called fromatobbaby that is a total work in progress. If you lurk or check this blog, would love for you to see what else has been keeping me busy.

More later...when toddler isn't being a cling on!

-BROOKE

Coming out of the dark...again!

~Making cookies w/ my favorite girl~

I am feeling better today. It is much like the upward swing of a pendulum-I am on the upswing, and hoping it doesn't swing back down. Grief is like that-up and down up and down. The sun is out, and I am taking a different approach to life-starting today! I have the song, "I can see clearly now", by Johnny Nash ringing through my ears.

January 29th, 2008-I think??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad I got to feel good and normal for a day, it didn't last! The following Saturday I felt so deeply depressed. I ate my way through the day, which just made me feel worse! Today I am feeling okay with a few "pity party" moments here and there. If anyone out in cyber land reads this blog, please don't mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am sooo blessed and so grateful, and that is exactly the reason why I am so sad that I have lost two babies. I know how wonderful having these two children has been, and I can't help but to want to add more to our family.

These losses have changed me, taken a piece of me away with each angel. I honestly don't feel whole anymore. I really FEEL the loss and feel a part of me is gone. I am trying so desperatly to just be "normal" and to feel "normal", but I am struggling. Some days I am going through the motions and others I feel really good and hopeful. I feel restless, like I need to make major changes in my life to be happy again. I am a bit of a lost soul right now, fighting my way back to finding "ME".

P.S-If you read this post-anyone...anyone...anyone???? Let me know you read my blog-I have some hits on my counter that just can't possibly be from me refreshing my own blog???heehee

Sorrow and Joy

My Gorgeous Boy-My Joy!

Isn't it amazing that through the darkest days there is always light streaming through the clouds. My children are that light. Though my faith in many things has wavered a bit lately, I know it is just the grief talking. My children are the most amazing miracles. I soak up their love and it just fills my heart until it over flows! I am living a life that I honestly never in a million years thought I would be so blessed to live. So I hold onto that right now, and keep reminding myself how very very far I have come!

I am at such a strange place in my life. I feel almost like I am in limbo. I "know" I should just feel contentment with my life and all that I have been blessed with, but I feel restless! Logically-I KNOW I should just move on, be content, and stop tempting fate. I KNOW I should focus on the journey and not the destination. I should be PRESENT and focus on what I have NOW-not what I think I want for the future. Yet, my heart is longing for another child and yearning to add to our beautiful family. I know how amazing being pregnant is, and I LOVE being a Mom more than anything else in this world, so it just seems natural for me to want to do it all again. LOGIC or HEART...my heart usually wins! I have an appt with a new gyno next week. I am praying he will be compassionate, unlike my current Doctor. I am praying he will help find answers as to why I now have two angels. Please pray for us!

Sink or Swim...I am just floating.

On Friday, January 11th I had another miscarriage. Almost exactly 2 months from my November 12th D&C day. I was only 4wks pregnant, and only had a few days of getting to experience my 4th pregnancy, and yet here I am back in this familiar place of grief.

I am in sink or swim mode right now. I can choose to sink, let it take me down under with it, while gasping for air. I can allow the grief to take hold of me and seep into every facet of my life. Defining me, becoming me, owning me, and controlling me. I can swim...hold my head up high, breath, all while moving forward. That is where I was before this happened again. I was moving through it at my own pace, moving on, and moving forward. I felt as if I had been through the thick of it. I saw the light at the surface of the water and broke through. I just don't know when or how I can get back to that place. So for now, I will just float. Not moving forward, and choosing not to sink, just coasting along as life takes me on this journey.

I really don't want to have a pity party for myself. I know there are worse things in life. Yet, in my life, this is the worst. In my world, this sucks! I want my babies back. Yes I know that theoretically that makes no sense. If I had the first baby back, I would be pregnant right now and there would be no second baby. I DON'T CARE-I want them both back!!!

God, do you hear me? Did you see me on my knee's praying to you? "The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away". Why my babies Lord? Why Why Why?????? Ella has been singing this little song. In fact the first time I heard her sing it, was the day of my D&C and I was putting her to bed that night. She sang, "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me". Keep singing sweet girl. Keep reminding me!