I keep getting asked, "How are you feeling"? with a sympathetic look. That is such a loaded question. Most days good and then others not so good. It really is that simple! As we get closer to Ev's b-day, I know where I "should be" and that is painful. A friend of mines sister, is pregnant and is just a few weeks ahead of where I "SHOULD BE". Her 1st daughter and Ella are a few weeks apart, her second daughter and Evan are a few days apart, and so on... I keep running into her everywhere I go, and I start to feel the breath sucked out of me the minute I see her. I want to run screaming and crying the other direction, but instead I have to smile and chit chat all the while dying inside. When my friend had a birthday party for her daughter that is Ella's age, I seriously just wanted to hide in her bathroom and cry. In fact, after talking to my friends sister a bit, I had to do just that-go in the bathroom and take a couple deep breaths to hold myself together. It is just such an in your face reminder of what I am missing out on, and it is so painful.
I wrote the following on 2/17/08 on an envelope that night and thought I should write it here, in case it may help someone out there that is feeling the same way I am .
****I allowed myself to feel a bit sad again tonight. I haven't done that in so long. It is a different kind of sadness now. More reflective, like when you think back on a bad time in your life. The pain will resurface, but just for a moment. It is no longer gut wrenching. The emptiness is still there though. The deep longing to feel a baby that will never kick me. The longing and the emptiness remain as raw as the day my babies became angels. I move through my days with the nagging feeling something is missing. Life can be so beautifully perfect and so terribly cruel.******
Ella has been going on and on lately about how she can't wait for Mommy to get another baby in her belly. Converstation in the car (minivan) ;)
Mommy, I can't wait for you to get another baby in your belly, I just know it is gonna be in there super soon.
That would be so nice honey. Why do you think it will be soon?
I just know it Mommy because I do. God took our other baby to be a perfect angel, and now God is going to give you a healthy baby that can stay and live with us, this is just what I know Mommy.
We have had many many converstations like this lately out of no where. She has been asking some serious zingers lately too. Here are a few of her ever so tricky questions:
Mommy, do birds cough?
Mommy, when is God's birthday?
Mommy, when you die do you lay down? How do you get up to heaven? Do you climb up stairs to heaven?
Mommy does everyone get a halo and wings when they die?
Mommy, does everyone have a Mommy and Daddy?
Notice a theme of some of these questions. As you can tell we have had to deal with some death questions. Mainly because of the miscarriage and also my parents cat just died. It has been tough, I honestly didn't think some of these questions would arise at such a tender age. I have done my best to keep it simple and light with the answers.
Off to go be with my very inquisitive girl, before my snuggle bug of a boy wakes from his nap.