33wks and 3 to go!

I just can't believe I am already 33wks pregnant. In fact, I still can't quite believe I am pregnant at all. My heart and mind are still working overtime to protect me. I have almost been in total denial this pregnany that I am actually having a baby. It just shows you how devestating loss can be.

I have complete placenta previa. I was in the hospital for a few days due to bleeding and ptl. I am home now on bedrest. Let's just say bedrest is near impossible when you have a 4 1/2 yr old and a 2 1/2yr old. I have had sitter here daily but still still find myself doing things I am not supposed to be doing. We have scheduled my c-section for January 12th. Hopefully I can stay out of the hospital until then!

Kids are super excited for Christmas tomorow, and soooo am I. I get more excited now then I did as a child I think. There is just nothing better in the world than watching the pure joy on their faces. I can't wait for them to open all their presents :)

Happy Holidays to anyone that stumbles on this blog. Have a safe and healthy New Year!!!

24wks pregnant

I have been avoiding my own blog. Isn't that strange? I keep thinking that if I write the words, it will all be taken away again. I need to let go of all my silly superstitions, and just share this journey. Allow it to be real. Celebrate. Savor. Life is full of miracles and this is our miracle baby. If anyone out there ever clicks on this blog-I promise to start writing more. Especially those of you that have been on your own miscarriage -pregnancy journeys. I know how reading someones words that has btdt can really help! More to come. Off to bed!

March-April-May-June-July...

It has been soooo long since I posted. I am doing well friends, but not on the computer much these days. We have had some busy months filled with fun! Ella had her 4th B-day party at the end of March. A Princess Party-per her request. We kept it small, with a few friends from School, and one from dance class. She wanted them all to dress up like Princesses and oh were they precious. Here are some pics:

Just a few days later we got to celebrate Greg's 34th B-day. Gotta love having two cakes in the house so close together-ha ha!

Notice the candles-one is from Ella's 3rd B-day and the other is from Ella's 4th-sorry Greg

Onto the next big event. Daddy Princess Dance Night at our Country Club. It is a dinner and dance just for Dad's(Step-Dads, Grandpa's-etc) and daughter's. Ella was so excited to get dressed up and have a special night just for her and Daddy. They had a wonderful time together.

Spring rolled on in and it felt so good to get outside and be warmed by the sun:

Ella's PreSchool had a special Mother's Day brunch. Ella gave me a plate she made and a potted plant. She painted the pot and planted the plant-so cute. We ate breakfast with the kids and then they sang some songs. She sang her little heart out and nailed each hand movement-I was so proud. Walking in-Ella is wearing navy blue.


Okay...so I didn't quite make it all the way through Mayand none of June and July...more to come. Kids are awake from naps now!

Not much to say today...

I will write blog entries in my head, but they really never make it here. Time is just so darn limited when you have two little one's under foot. When they nap, I try to get all my "stuff" done. Over all I am doing well. I have had my very HIGH ups and very LOW downs lately. No rhyme or reason to it. I was actually shocked how down I felt on Mother's Day. I should of been-would have been-8 months pregnant to the day. The empty feeling just never really goes away. Being a Mother is the greatest joy of my life. I haven't given up hope that God will bless us with another child. I am starting to also give my heart permission to just be okay either way.


I had a wonderful little get-a-way vacation with Tracie. It was so nice to be able to concentrate on ME for a few days. Tracie is the best person to travel with. No agenda and just go with the flow. We slept in, ate, drank, relaxed by the pool, and shopped. Really, what more could a girl want?


Closing out with some pics:

Tracie and Brooke-Scottsdale, Arizona




The kiddo's:

Transported back to passion and young love.

Music takes us to so many places. I hear a song, and instantly I am back in Stacie's Nissan Pulsar driving with the wind in our hair. It can take us back to wonderful places in time, and painful one's too. Today I put on a CD of classical music, and I was taken back immediately to the most surprising place:
Standing in a kitchen looking out the window at the sun warming the morning dew. Wearing a men's white t-shirt and pouring two cups of coffee. Did I even drink coffee at that time in my life? Arms reaching around me from behind and spinning me around in place. His warm face against mine, his heart beating against mine, feeling weak in the knee's and breathless by his touch. Suddenly we are dancing in the kitchen and the music starts as if on cue. I giggled and allowed myself to be taken by his lead. He would kiss me and it was intoxicating. 17 years old and in the arms of my first love. The passion between us would cause me to be chasing that high for years and years. It was the first time in my life I can remember feeling beautiful and wanted. We danced, and that music will forever take me back. Young love...a love that I thought would be the love of my life. My first love..a man that allowed me to be pretty, sexy, and smart. Things that had been so foreign to me. A love that was ten years too soon in my life, yet perfectly timed.

Dreamer

Please Dear Lord, Don't take the Dream away from the Dreamer...

Feelings...

I keep getting asked, "How are you feeling"? with a sympathetic look. That is such a loaded question. Most days good and then others not so good. It really is that simple! As we get closer to Ev's b-day, I know where I "should be" and that is painful. A friend of mines sister, is pregnant and is just a few weeks ahead of where I "SHOULD BE". Her 1st daughter and Ella are a few weeks apart, her second daughter and Evan are a few days apart, and so on... I keep running into her everywhere I go, and I start to feel the breath sucked out of me the minute I see her. I want to run screaming and crying the other direction, but instead I have to smile and chit chat all the while dying inside. When my friend had a birthday party for her daughter that is Ella's age, I seriously just wanted to hide in her bathroom and cry. In fact, after talking to my friends sister a bit, I had to do just that-go in the bathroom and take a couple deep breaths to hold myself together. It is just such an in your face reminder of what I am missing out on, and it is so painful.

I wrote the following on 2/17/08 on an envelope that night and thought I should write it here, in case it may help someone out there that is feeling the same way I am .
****I allowed myself to feel a bit sad again tonight. I haven't done that in so long. It is a different kind of sadness now. More reflective, like when you think back on a bad time in your life. The pain will resurface, but just for a moment. It is no longer gut wrenching. The emptiness is still there though. The deep longing to feel a baby that will never kick me. The longing and the emptiness remain as raw as the day my babies became angels. I move through my days with the nagging feeling something is missing. Life can be so beautifully perfect and so terribly cruel.******

Ella has been going on and on lately about how she can't wait for Mommy to get another baby in her belly. Converstation in the car (minivan) ;)

Ella:
Mommy, I can't wait for you to get another baby in your belly, I just know it is gonna be in there super soon.
Mommy:
That would be so nice honey. Why do you think it will be soon?
Ella:
I just know it Mommy because I do. God took our other baby to be a perfect angel, and now God is going to give you a healthy baby that can stay and live with us, this is just what I know Mommy.

We have had many many converstations like this lately out of no where. She has been asking some serious zingers lately too. Here are a few of her ever so tricky questions:

Mommy, do birds cough?
Mommy, when is God's birthday?
Mommy, when you die do you lay down? How do you get up to heaven? Do you climb up stairs to heaven?
Mommy does everyone get a halo and wings when they die?
Mommy, does everyone have a Mommy and Daddy?


Notice a theme of some of these questions. As you can tell we have had to deal with some death questions. Mainly because of the miscarriage and also my parents cat just died. It has been tough, I honestly didn't think some of these questions would arise at such a tender age. I have done my best to keep it simple and light with the answers.
Off to go be with my very inquisitive girl, before my snuggle bug of a boy wakes from his nap.