Sink or Swim...I am just floating.

On Friday, January 11th I had another miscarriage. Almost exactly 2 months from my November 12th D&C day. I was only 4wks pregnant, and only had a few days of getting to experience my 4th pregnancy, and yet here I am back in this familiar place of grief.

I am in sink or swim mode right now. I can choose to sink, let it take me down under with it, while gasping for air. I can allow the grief to take hold of me and seep into every facet of my life. Defining me, becoming me, owning me, and controlling me. I can swim...hold my head up high, breath, all while moving forward. That is where I was before this happened again. I was moving through it at my own pace, moving on, and moving forward. I felt as if I had been through the thick of it. I saw the light at the surface of the water and broke through. I just don't know when or how I can get back to that place. So for now, I will just float. Not moving forward, and choosing not to sink, just coasting along as life takes me on this journey.

I really don't want to have a pity party for myself. I know there are worse things in life. Yet, in my life, this is the worst. In my world, this sucks! I want my babies back. Yes I know that theoretically that makes no sense. If I had the first baby back, I would be pregnant right now and there would be no second baby. I DON'T CARE-I want them both back!!!

God, do you hear me? Did you see me on my knee's praying to you? "The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away". Why my babies Lord? Why Why Why?????? Ella has been singing this little song. In fact the first time I heard her sing it, was the day of my D&C and I was putting her to bed that night. She sang, "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me". Keep singing sweet girl. Keep reminding me!