33wks and 3 to go!

I just can't believe I am already 33wks pregnant. In fact, I still can't quite believe I am pregnant at all. My heart and mind are still working overtime to protect me. I have almost been in total denial this pregnany that I am actually having a baby. It just shows you how devestating loss can be.

I have complete placenta previa. I was in the hospital for a few days due to bleeding and ptl. I am home now on bedrest. Let's just say bedrest is near impossible when you have a 4 1/2 yr old and a 2 1/2yr old. I have had sitter here daily but still still find myself doing things I am not supposed to be doing. We have scheduled my c-section for January 12th. Hopefully I can stay out of the hospital until then!

Kids are super excited for Christmas tomorow, and soooo am I. I get more excited now then I did as a child I think. There is just nothing better in the world than watching the pure joy on their faces. I can't wait for them to open all their presents :)

Happy Holidays to anyone that stumbles on this blog. Have a safe and healthy New Year!!!

24wks pregnant

I have been avoiding my own blog. Isn't that strange? I keep thinking that if I write the words, it will all be taken away again. I need to let go of all my silly superstitions, and just share this journey. Allow it to be real. Celebrate. Savor. Life is full of miracles and this is our miracle baby. If anyone out there ever clicks on this blog-I promise to start writing more. Especially those of you that have been on your own miscarriage -pregnancy journeys. I know how reading someones words that has btdt can really help! More to come. Off to bed!

March-April-May-June-July...

It has been soooo long since I posted. I am doing well friends, but not on the computer much these days. We have had some busy months filled with fun! Ella had her 4th B-day party at the end of March. A Princess Party-per her request. We kept it small, with a few friends from School, and one from dance class. She wanted them all to dress up like Princesses and oh were they precious. Here are some pics:

Just a few days later we got to celebrate Greg's 34th B-day. Gotta love having two cakes in the house so close together-ha ha!

Notice the candles-one is from Ella's 3rd B-day and the other is from Ella's 4th-sorry Greg

Onto the next big event. Daddy Princess Dance Night at our Country Club. It is a dinner and dance just for Dad's(Step-Dads, Grandpa's-etc) and daughter's. Ella was so excited to get dressed up and have a special night just for her and Daddy. They had a wonderful time together.

Spring rolled on in and it felt so good to get outside and be warmed by the sun:

Ella's PreSchool had a special Mother's Day brunch. Ella gave me a plate she made and a potted plant. She painted the pot and planted the plant-so cute. We ate breakfast with the kids and then they sang some songs. She sang her little heart out and nailed each hand movement-I was so proud. Walking in-Ella is wearing navy blue.


Okay...so I didn't quite make it all the way through Mayand none of June and July...more to come. Kids are awake from naps now!

Not much to say today...

I will write blog entries in my head, but they really never make it here. Time is just so darn limited when you have two little one's under foot. When they nap, I try to get all my "stuff" done. Over all I am doing well. I have had my very HIGH ups and very LOW downs lately. No rhyme or reason to it. I was actually shocked how down I felt on Mother's Day. I should of been-would have been-8 months pregnant to the day. The empty feeling just never really goes away. Being a Mother is the greatest joy of my life. I haven't given up hope that God will bless us with another child. I am starting to also give my heart permission to just be okay either way.


I had a wonderful little get-a-way vacation with Tracie. It was so nice to be able to concentrate on ME for a few days. Tracie is the best person to travel with. No agenda and just go with the flow. We slept in, ate, drank, relaxed by the pool, and shopped. Really, what more could a girl want?


Closing out with some pics:

Tracie and Brooke-Scottsdale, Arizona




The kiddo's:

Transported back to passion and young love.

Music takes us to so many places. I hear a song, and instantly I am back in Stacie's Nissan Pulsar driving with the wind in our hair. It can take us back to wonderful places in time, and painful one's too. Today I put on a CD of classical music, and I was taken back immediately to the most surprising place:
Standing in a kitchen looking out the window at the sun warming the morning dew. Wearing a men's white t-shirt and pouring two cups of coffee. Did I even drink coffee at that time in my life? Arms reaching around me from behind and spinning me around in place. His warm face against mine, his heart beating against mine, feeling weak in the knee's and breathless by his touch. Suddenly we are dancing in the kitchen and the music starts as if on cue. I giggled and allowed myself to be taken by his lead. He would kiss me and it was intoxicating. 17 years old and in the arms of my first love. The passion between us would cause me to be chasing that high for years and years. It was the first time in my life I can remember feeling beautiful and wanted. We danced, and that music will forever take me back. Young love...a love that I thought would be the love of my life. My first love..a man that allowed me to be pretty, sexy, and smart. Things that had been so foreign to me. A love that was ten years too soon in my life, yet perfectly timed.

Dreamer

Please Dear Lord, Don't take the Dream away from the Dreamer...

Feelings...

I keep getting asked, "How are you feeling"? with a sympathetic look. That is such a loaded question. Most days good and then others not so good. It really is that simple! As we get closer to Ev's b-day, I know where I "should be" and that is painful. A friend of mines sister, is pregnant and is just a few weeks ahead of where I "SHOULD BE". Her 1st daughter and Ella are a few weeks apart, her second daughter and Evan are a few days apart, and so on... I keep running into her everywhere I go, and I start to feel the breath sucked out of me the minute I see her. I want to run screaming and crying the other direction, but instead I have to smile and chit chat all the while dying inside. When my friend had a birthday party for her daughter that is Ella's age, I seriously just wanted to hide in her bathroom and cry. In fact, after talking to my friends sister a bit, I had to do just that-go in the bathroom and take a couple deep breaths to hold myself together. It is just such an in your face reminder of what I am missing out on, and it is so painful.

I wrote the following on 2/17/08 on an envelope that night and thought I should write it here, in case it may help someone out there that is feeling the same way I am .
****I allowed myself to feel a bit sad again tonight. I haven't done that in so long. It is a different kind of sadness now. More reflective, like when you think back on a bad time in your life. The pain will resurface, but just for a moment. It is no longer gut wrenching. The emptiness is still there though. The deep longing to feel a baby that will never kick me. The longing and the emptiness remain as raw as the day my babies became angels. I move through my days with the nagging feeling something is missing. Life can be so beautifully perfect and so terribly cruel.******

Ella has been going on and on lately about how she can't wait for Mommy to get another baby in her belly. Converstation in the car (minivan) ;)

Ella:
Mommy, I can't wait for you to get another baby in your belly, I just know it is gonna be in there super soon.
Mommy:
That would be so nice honey. Why do you think it will be soon?
Ella:
I just know it Mommy because I do. God took our other baby to be a perfect angel, and now God is going to give you a healthy baby that can stay and live with us, this is just what I know Mommy.

We have had many many converstations like this lately out of no where. She has been asking some serious zingers lately too. Here are a few of her ever so tricky questions:

Mommy, do birds cough?
Mommy, when is God's birthday?
Mommy, when you die do you lay down? How do you get up to heaven? Do you climb up stairs to heaven?
Mommy does everyone get a halo and wings when they die?
Mommy, does everyone have a Mommy and Daddy?


Notice a theme of some of these questions. As you can tell we have had to deal with some death questions. Mainly because of the miscarriage and also my parents cat just died. It has been tough, I honestly didn't think some of these questions would arise at such a tender age. I have done my best to keep it simple and light with the answers.
Off to go be with my very inquisitive girl, before my snuggle bug of a boy wakes from his nap.

Pic playing and randon stuff.

This will be short. Evan is under the desk playing with his "ah choo choo"-hee hee. Yesterday was a wonderfully UP day for me. I felt happy and at peace with this whole crazy journey life has had me on as of late. Yet, I had terrible insomnia last night, and could not shut my busy mind down! Feeling sleepy today

Been playing a bit with photoshop and just can't seem to get it to do what I want. I am sure I will figure it out eventually though. Here are some pics I have been playing with:

Pic playing and randon stuff.

Mommy can't find us in this fort!!!

Be...

The other day I found myself getting sooo irritated with Ella. My frusteration boiled over and I found myself yelling at her. I can't even really remember why, but what I do remember was a little voice in my heart talking to me. It made me STOP dead in my tracks. I lowered my voice, and lowered my body and whispered, " I am sorry" to my precious girl. In that moment...I heard that voice saying to me, "STOP-BE SOFT-BE GENTLE-BE KIND-BREATHE". My heart was speaking to me, and I actually was able to totally turn off my frustration and turn on a very loving moment.

Be patient
Be soft
Be kind
Breathe
Be loving
Be present

HAPPY DAYS...

On Sunday- I officially became a mini van driving Ma Ma. After the rocky few months I have had, I got to thinking about what is really important in my life. A SUV is an SUV-it is just that-a thing, and frankly not a very important thing in my life. I have driven luxury Suvs for the past 6yrs, and could have really cared less about what I was driving. The Range Rover was always my dream SUV, and after driving it for about 2wks the novelty totally wore off, but the mortgage size payment didn't. It all just seems like a TOTAL waste of money to me. I used to think-if you have the money, than it isn't a waste. How irrational is that? How about put that extra money into the kids college saving funds-ahhh, now that is rational thinking. As you can imagine-my darling husband is beside himself with joy over my new way of thinking ;)!! I am LOVING my new ride! It is just so amazingly made for a Mommy-and has lot's of bells and whistles that even my fancy SUV didn't have-woo hoo!


On Monday- It was a gorgeous warm day out. We really didn't get to enjoy it much with the kids not feeling very well. The birds were chirpping and the flowers were starting to poke out. Spring is my very favorite time of year. Watching the miracle of the Earth rebirth is just amazing to me. If you have a green thumb and live somewhere where if is freezing all winter-than you can understand my LOVE for Spring. I can hardly wait to get my garden gloves on and get my hands in the dirt!


On Tuesday-

On Wednesday-We are having an ice storm. The tree's look like glass. Beautiful!

I am okay, really really okay!

I know it has been awhile..but I am really doing okay! Aside from my toddler laying on the floor next to me kicking and screaming ;) This will be quick and hopefully more to come later today. Ev has a very stuffy nose right now and El has a low fever and junky cough. My computer time has been very limited as of late. First we had an ice storm that knocked out our cable/computer for 4 days, then I was in Nashville for a few days, basement painted where the computer is now housed-that was about a week plus-with no computer, and so on! So that is my laundry list of reasons for being the worlds crappiest blogger ever.

I (we-Amy) have a new blog called fromatobbaby that is a total work in progress. If you lurk or check this blog, would love for you to see what else has been keeping me busy.

More later...when toddler isn't being a cling on!

-BROOKE

Coming out of the dark...again!

~Making cookies w/ my favorite girl~

I am feeling better today. It is much like the upward swing of a pendulum-I am on the upswing, and hoping it doesn't swing back down. Grief is like that-up and down up and down. The sun is out, and I am taking a different approach to life-starting today! I have the song, "I can see clearly now", by Johnny Nash ringing through my ears.

January 29th, 2008-I think??? BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So glad I got to feel good and normal for a day, it didn't last! The following Saturday I felt so deeply depressed. I ate my way through the day, which just made me feel worse! Today I am feeling okay with a few "pity party" moments here and there. If anyone out in cyber land reads this blog, please don't mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am sooo blessed and so grateful, and that is exactly the reason why I am so sad that I have lost two babies. I know how wonderful having these two children has been, and I can't help but to want to add more to our family.

These losses have changed me, taken a piece of me away with each angel. I honestly don't feel whole anymore. I really FEEL the loss and feel a part of me is gone. I am trying so desperatly to just be "normal" and to feel "normal", but I am struggling. Some days I am going through the motions and others I feel really good and hopeful. I feel restless, like I need to make major changes in my life to be happy again. I am a bit of a lost soul right now, fighting my way back to finding "ME".

P.S-If you read this post-anyone...anyone...anyone???? Let me know you read my blog-I have some hits on my counter that just can't possibly be from me refreshing my own blog???heehee

Sorrow and Joy

My Gorgeous Boy-My Joy!

Isn't it amazing that through the darkest days there is always light streaming through the clouds. My children are that light. Though my faith in many things has wavered a bit lately, I know it is just the grief talking. My children are the most amazing miracles. I soak up their love and it just fills my heart until it over flows! I am living a life that I honestly never in a million years thought I would be so blessed to live. So I hold onto that right now, and keep reminding myself how very very far I have come!

I am at such a strange place in my life. I feel almost like I am in limbo. I "know" I should just feel contentment with my life and all that I have been blessed with, but I feel restless! Logically-I KNOW I should just move on, be content, and stop tempting fate. I KNOW I should focus on the journey and not the destination. I should be PRESENT and focus on what I have NOW-not what I think I want for the future. Yet, my heart is longing for another child and yearning to add to our beautiful family. I know how amazing being pregnant is, and I LOVE being a Mom more than anything else in this world, so it just seems natural for me to want to do it all again. LOGIC or HEART...my heart usually wins! I have an appt with a new gyno next week. I am praying he will be compassionate, unlike my current Doctor. I am praying he will help find answers as to why I now have two angels. Please pray for us!

Sink or Swim...I am just floating.

On Friday, January 11th I had another miscarriage. Almost exactly 2 months from my November 12th D&C day. I was only 4wks pregnant, and only had a few days of getting to experience my 4th pregnancy, and yet here I am back in this familiar place of grief.

I am in sink or swim mode right now. I can choose to sink, let it take me down under with it, while gasping for air. I can allow the grief to take hold of me and seep into every facet of my life. Defining me, becoming me, owning me, and controlling me. I can swim...hold my head up high, breath, all while moving forward. That is where I was before this happened again. I was moving through it at my own pace, moving on, and moving forward. I felt as if I had been through the thick of it. I saw the light at the surface of the water and broke through. I just don't know when or how I can get back to that place. So for now, I will just float. Not moving forward, and choosing not to sink, just coasting along as life takes me on this journey.

I really don't want to have a pity party for myself. I know there are worse things in life. Yet, in my life, this is the worst. In my world, this sucks! I want my babies back. Yes I know that theoretically that makes no sense. If I had the first baby back, I would be pregnant right now and there would be no second baby. I DON'T CARE-I want them both back!!!

God, do you hear me? Did you see me on my knee's praying to you? "The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away". Why my babies Lord? Why Why Why?????? Ella has been singing this little song. In fact the first time I heard her sing it, was the day of my D&C and I was putting her to bed that night. She sang, "God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He's so good to me". Keep singing sweet girl. Keep reminding me!