SCARED AND OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS

I realized why I am a bad blogger. For years and years I have been keeping some type of diary or journal. I actually started my very first diary in 2ND grade, and I still have it! My very first cursive words are written in it-too funny. The reason I started that diary so young is because my Dad was diagnosed and hospitalized with cancer that year. For me, writing was always my outlet during the tough times in my life, and boy there were many many tough times. I have a stack of diary's, journals and poetry. The first time in my life that I stopped writing was after maybe my 2Nd date with Greg. I never thought much about why I stopped writing, I just didn't feel the desire anymore. Now I know exactly why I stopped writing. I was happy, content, feeling peace, loved, and fulfilled for the very first time in my life. What a gift that man has given me. He allowed me to be ME and he fell in love with the real ME. I knew on our very first date I would spend the rest of my life with him. So over the years with Greg I maybe journaled a hand full of times. I wrote after our first few dates, when we got engaged, when we got married, and then when we got pregnant with both kids, and that was it! Why is it easier to pour my sole onto paper when I am having a tough time, I guess it is just my release.

So here I am making the time to blog, so something must be up, right? This is the scoop: I have been having some stomach issues since Evan was born. When he was 3 months old Greg took me to to the ER because I was in excruciating pain-worse than natural child birth-trust me!!! I was totally embarrassed when the Doctor told me after a battery of tests run, that my diagnosis was severe constipation. He sent me on my way with some stool softeners and that was that. Like most typical Mom's, I am notorious for putting myself last. I just don't take great care of myself because I am too busy taking care of my family. So being either constipated or having diarrhea was kinda my norm and I didn't really think much of it. When my tummy acted up-pop a few tums and was on my way. A few weeks ago I just wasn't feeling quite right. Stomach cramps, and low grade fevers here and there. A part of me actually wondered if I was pregnant because I just felt so off. NO, NOT PREGNANT!!! A week and a few days ago I started again having bad cramps, bloating and terrible constipation. I also had PMS and kinda chalked it all up as tying in with that. If you have a week stomach-do not read on!!! Then I had a very bloody-mucousy bowel movement. No poop-just blood and mucous. This was my big tap on the shoulder that something was just not right with me. The blood and mucous continued all day. I called Greg at work and he practically begged me to call a Doctor and make an apt. I made an apt for a physical all the while knowing the back of my head I really most likely need to see a gastronologist-sp?? Doc. The fever continued all weekend and I just felt terrible. On Monday I cancelled my Physical and made an apt with the Cleveland Clinic to see a Gastro Doc. Doc feels It may be Colitis or Crohn's Disease. He said he can't rule out anything, including colon cancer until he does a colonoscopy. Colonoscopy is scheduled for September 26th at 3:30. The bloody bowel movments have continued. I have had to give 8 different stool samples and have gotten a pretty good look at the poop-how gross is that!!! Blood and mucous in it each and everytime. I am only going every 2-3 days and feel bloated, crampy, tired and sick almost all the time now.

I am not scared for me, but scared of the "would if's". It is hard not to let your brain go there...would if I have cancer, would if I die, oh my babies my precious babies!! I seriously have to physically shake my head to rid myself of a million aweful thoughts daily. I am not sleeping well-nightmares when I do sleep and trouble turning my brain off when I am awake. My husband has been my ROCK. He just perfectly knows when to hug and hold me, when to talk about it, and when to just let be alone with my thoughts. He can tell I don't feel well and has stepped up around the house in sooo many ways without being asked. I feel sooo loved and treasured by him each and everyday of my life...I know I am blessed. So for now I just do my best to take care of the kiddo's feeling like crap, and anticipate good news of something easily treatable after my procedure is done.