Passion

When I was younger I confused drama for passion. They were one is the same. My relationships were full of highs and lows. Fueled by passion and drama. The passion part is what seemed to sustain it all. I actually longed for calm waters.

Here I am 8yrs married with three children. I feel happy. I have exactly the life I dreamed up for myself. The waters are calm. My relationship is healthy. Yet is all feels so predictable. I don't long for the drama, but I miss the passion.

The Holiday season is such a whirlwind. Filled with lists and lists and even lists for our lists. I have stacks of catalogs sitting on the island that I have good intention of sifting through-someday! I can hardly believe it is December and the Christmas tree is up. I love love love this time of year. I just wish I could slow it all down a bit. I look at my big, beautiful almost 11 month old and can hardly believe where the past year has gone. Even with a bit of PPD for the first few months of his life, I have had the ability to just savor each moment and each stage of his growth. I still look at him and just can hardly believe he is here after all we went through. He has brightened our days and filled this family with more joy and love that we ever thought possible. He rounds us out just perfectly and was so meant to be. Do your best to slow down, be present, and savor this magical time of year with your families!

Thanksgiving Eve

The house is full of Holiday season smells. Pumpkin pie baking in the oven, Christmas candle burning, and an oil burner letting off the most magnificent cinnamon spice smell-mmmmmmm!!!

Last year at this time, I was on bed rest. Feeling so blessed that at last baby #3 was on the way, yet still terrified of something going wrong. I had already been hospitalized for preterm labor and also for hemorrhaging. I was so anxious to no longer be pregnant and to get my sweet baby here in my arms safely. Bittersweet too, knowing it would be the last time I was pregnant. This year, I am soooo thankful and blessed to have these beautiful children and the most amazing husband. I look and my life and just have to shake my head-how in the world did this all happen to me??? Happy Thanksgiving to anyone that may stumble on this blog. May you be present, aware of your blessings, and feel full of joy!

Missing my Angels-always

Today is a day of remembrance for all that have lost a precious baby. A group I never imagined I would be apart of and a group that will always hold a place in my heart, because I understand the pain. http://www.october15th.com/ There are layers to this group and and types of pain I will never understand. Warrior Mommies and Daddies who have fought to get through the grief and who have immeasurable courage. Still Birth, late term losses, new born loss due to defects, SIDS and the list goes on and on! Today I lift each and everyone of you up in prayer. We alter our dreams after these losses and search for renewed hope! I hope you have found yours!

Anyone out there? Restless

I keep seeing my counter go up, anyone out there? Perhaps it is just from me opening this blog with good intentions on updating. Seems all the little things get in the way. You know-poopy diapers, kids fighting, runny noses, my daughter urgent need to change her clothes 5 times within 5 minutes, and never mind her changing hair styles too. 5 going on 15 I tell you! Just the daily grind I suppose.

So here is my burning question for those mystery hits on my counter. Anyone else out there get to a place where they should feel content and yet they are still restless. What is that? I thought after my family was complete (especially after the miscarriage journey), that I too would feel complete. I have waves of that feeling. Mostly when I look at the big picture of our future, yet I still have this crazy restless feeling that I can't shake. So what is missing, what changes do I think need to be made, what is it I am searching for??? Can't really put my finger on it yet. Maybe I just need to empty some cabinets out, do some nesting, and get organized. Perhaps that will for now fill this restless feeling? Perhaps it is really just natural to NEVER be totally content. We are by nature suppose to dream, wish and hope. Leaving us to just be restless. Thoughts?

Bokeh-fall spider

Took this pic with my good old point and shoot that is on the fritz. I am in need of a new camera and hoping to get a Nikon SLR-but boy are they expensive. My current camera has served me well, but is now making a funky pink line on pics if I use the flash. I figure with the amount of pics I take daily, the Nikon will pay for itself in no time. Check out the colors on the spider. Sure is a pretty little girl-for a spider that is.

Restless

I feel so restless. I need to get something done, anything done. I have this burning desire to take just one thing to completion. Laundry, reorganizing, just one thing DONE! Finding it very difficult with three kids under foot all day to get even the simplest tasks completed. Sadly when I do have a few free moments, I don't feel like doing anything. Makes NO sense, I know.